Part-2 (From the different types of Parenthood)

Posted: November 7, 2011 in Family/ kids and environments, Foundation on "Identities in Christ"

Different types of Parenting and its Effects:

Most of the Characters and beliefs systems of our Authority figure in our childhoods are how our believe systems were mostly formed. But, do not judge them for in the same way you judge it will be judged to you. Eg. If you judge your authoritarian father you are likely to be judged the same way as you take care of responsibilities and your kids. You can share what you have gone through to others, but without judging, though sometimes the truth of your judgmental might needed to be shared and released for the purpose of healing. Even if it happen, we are to ask forgiveness to God and release forgiveness to anyone who might have hurt you as well, but being open to share to someone all that you have gone through and who would listen to you and pray with you.

The purpose is not solving the problems, but the purpose is for your healing, you can also listen to some good love songs about God ministering to you, but the first option is that you share to somebody about all the things you have gone through, then, also sharing to God and listening to God’s love songs ministering to you, that there would be healing for your souls. Even your faith will be build up stronger and stronger.

Though we relate to father’s, it’s also with mothers and any guardians, teachers or even baby sitters during our childhood.

In all these things, the best is the original plans of God, childrens to be taken cared by the Father and Mother, and those are no.1 needs of Children more than anyone else in the whole world, in person.

Let me write a short story on how our believe systems were formed: Suppose there are 2 dogs, one dog is home God, and another street dog. Home dog was cared, loved and accepted, given a tender and loving affection, while the street dog was kicked, stoned, beaten, chased and shout at. So, one day the two dogs were together, and a loving little boy came to play with the two dogs, the street dog ran away and the home dog welcomed him and played with the little boy. This little short story shows that our believe systems are formed from what we have experienced in life – our family, our culture, our churches – churches where ‘people can be who they are and come just the way they are’ is modeled or religious and traditionalism churches, our schools and communities formed our believe systems. Overall if we live with our parents during childhood they could be the number one how it is formed, but schools, communities and all these things had a great effects as well.

(a) The Authoritarian Father, Mother, Authority Figures: Hosea 11:8
– Focus on laws and order rather than relationship.
– No real emotions
– Seek for instant rules and regulation
– Mostly selfish – things has to go their way.
– Don’t really recognize the unique individuality of each child.
Side effects that can possibly happen:
– Inner fear to express who they are in their father’s presence.
– Doing bad things hidden.
– Afraid of Father, scared, Insecure. (The fear of the Lord is not being afraid of God, but to hate sin and being friendly and loving God).
– View God as cop/ police, militant. (Not relational)
– Service to God is more of Servant, not servant-hood, but wanting to please God rather than knowing their Identity in Christ as a child of God. (performance).
– Can be abusively controlling kids and under their authority in words or actions rather than relational and kind.
– Hidden anger and hatred which will blast several times.
– Not able to be close or view God as someone caring, loving, tender and kind.
– Not able to relate closely and lovingly to mother/father in-laws
– They can be rebellion against authority figure as they were pressured most of the times.
– Not able to relate to God as a loving Father and a close friend.

(b) The Performance Oriented Fathers, Mothers and Authority Figures: Eph 2:8-9.
These type of people often measure love on how a child perform and measure up to their father’s expectation.
“You are good only if you perform well in school or what the parents want……..”
– Demands Perfection
– A Child has to perform to get the approval and love of the father. If you make a mistake in your life, in your steps or works in what you do, you are treated like a dump. (Always remember God love us unconditionally, it’s not based on what we do or not do).
– A child is only accepted if he/she does it right.
– Everything goes according to what the father think.
– Have a high standard that are needed to be measured up.
Side effects that can possibly happen:
– They will belief that “God will only love them when they perform for Him”.
– In a long run they will collapse in Spiritual burn out.
– Unable to feel the presence of God. Hard to receive the free gifts of God.
– Unable to hear God’s voice
– They NEED to perform before others or God to feel that they are accepted
– Judging others and criticizing others even in unnecessary things, unless it is constructive criticism.
– Outward appearances are more important than the heart – Eg. Degrees, positions, looks, race, money, dresses, wealth, perfections.
– Not able to be real to others.

(Many Pastor kids and Missionary kids, kids of God’s servants are likely to suffer from these type of performance stress because parents and people often told them, “You are pastor’s son/danghter, you must behave like this and that”. Those religious rules stress them off into hidden anger and acting Pharisees)

(c) The Passive (not active), Father, Mother and Authority Figures: Isaiah 49:15
– Not present emotionally
– No expression of love and feelings
– Mostly busy for work, no time for children
– Lack discipline and does not demand anything from the child.
Side effects that can possibly happen:
– Lack of passion and joy
– No discipline – let it be however
– View God as impersonal and distance.
– Loneliness
– Anger and frustration.
– Shame
– They rebel to get noticed or accepted.
Gal 5:22-23 – Experiencing God involve His Emotions.
(God has a soul = Mind + will + emotions)

(d) The Absent Father, Mother and Authority figures: Heb 13:5, Isaiah 49:15
– Physically not present – Work, death, divorce, abandonment (not coming back).
Side effects that can possibly happen:
– Child will fear and have abandonment issue or feelings.
– Lack of Identity
– Loneliness
– Insecurity and tendencies to please people or God (performance)
– Anger
– Shame.

(e) The Abusive Father, Mothers or Authority Figures : (Causing Harm) Ps 27:6-10.
– Physical/ Emotion/ Spiritual.
Side effects that can possibly happen:
– Shame/ Guilt/ Insecure
– Anger/ bitterness/ hatred (at people/ God/ themselves).
– Rebellion
– Depression
– Anger at God for allowing it to happen.
– Not able to trust God and others
– Can’t view God as gentle and loving.
– View God as harsh, punisher, angry and dangerous.

So, all of these 5 kinds of Fathers, Mothers and Authority figures can lead to sexual sin, drugs, alcohol addictions, addictions, shame, anger, frustrations, depressions, performances and other things written there. Some may not go to drugs, sex or alcohol because these things may not be popular in their generations, because of their place of stay or other things, but as living in a fallen world, we all fall into one way or another. We are not to judge our authority figures in these things, but release forgiveness and understandings, because that shows that they too had faced those kinds of things. It also does not mean that they don’t love us, they too had a past which are needed to be healed, it’s just that hurt people hurt others, so we are not to judge them and we have no authority to judge them for that unless there are things we need to stand up in our rights, one of our main authority is to release forgiveness for whatever had happen to each one of us in anyways, weather we consider the situations small or big, and though there will be things we need to stand up in our rights.

Next is the Good Guardians – Most people might like to choose the good authority figures, but that is not always the choice, and you will hardly find one of those. If you want to choose lie and cover up, that itself are still where hidden anger and shame are. If we want our life to be made whole, we need to face the reality of our lives. Facing the reality, yet knowing the unconditional love, mercy, protections of God, and knowing that God loves each and everyone no matter what, how, where we might have faced and has been into, He is always waiting for our open heart to receive His unconditional love, thought we might not understand everything, but knowing that He just love each one unconditional and He didn’t plan evil for anyone, He is a good God or else we can view God as an evil person.
We are to face the truth, the reality, be honest and with an open heart.

(f) The Good Father, Mothers or Authority Figures:
– Always there to help.
– Shows love, respect, compassion, kindness, encouragement, tenderness, affections, play with them, hug, appreciations, comfort, approval, attentions.
– A child grows up well and develop well
– A child gets security and identity.
– Discipline with love, not abusive
– Shows Respect and Value the child – a person is a person no matter how small.
– Does not exasperate/ annoy/ drive mad his children by over control or over discipline, but rather gives freedom to play and be who they are.
– Gives an healthy Independence to the kids
– He teach, train and instruct them according to the Lord’s commands (Ephe 6 :4), – ways of living, what to do and what not to do, to love the Lord our God with our everything and to love others as ourselves.

Some main Positive Results:
 Healthy confidence
 Secure and save
 Easily receive God’s love and His characters and easily follow God’s command
 Easily enter into God’s presence intimately
 Able to relate to God as a Friend, as a Father, as a King and Lord as well.
 Able to love others even the least
 Have a positive attitude toward things and others
 Is not afraid of parents but respect them
 Able to express His her feelings without fear and without anger
 Able to trust God and others
 Bold and courageous in whatever they do
 Able to be trust in what they do
 Have a healthy respect for others not out of fear.
 Generous to others
 Etc.
Negative Results to be aware:
– After marriage compare husband with Father.
– Father-in-law/ Father Too much involve in family matter.

But, you wouldn’t find totally perfect holy people in this world, though that itself is not really an excuse for anyone and anything. If you think your authority figure was/is the type of the good guardian shown here, please check yourself first weather you are in performance oriented, putting mask, cover-ups, wanting to look good, wanting to be that perfect person, wanting and valuing your reputations LOL!.

Conclusion: There might be things that are needed to be healed and deal in your life as you grow up, and your believe systems might also need to be changed a bit. God can do the job for you cause He loves you so. Our work as Sons/ Daughters is to move in Forgiveness Eph 6:2-3. – We will begin to receive His Love.
Besides standing up in our rights when needed, not argument, forgiveness release more love and brings healing for our souls.

In all these things, the good news is that, God didn’t despise broken people, but He came to heal the broken hearted.. Beauty for Ashes.. (Isaiah 61). That means God is able to heal them all with His Unconditional Love.

If you look at Father Abraham, King David, Paul, Peter, they all faced different things.
Abraham have sex with their house maid, actually He was not able to trust God and wait on God’s promises and want to birth out by His own abilities and strengths.
David was an unknown Shepherd boy who became a King, He even wrote,
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Ps 27:10).
David was chosen by God Himself, who even commit adultery and murder later. But, all those things turned to be “Beauty for Ashes”, as he repent before the Lord and the Lord restored Him, This is beautiful thing because God is beautiful. Paul too was a persecutor of Christians and even a Murderer, Peter too cut off the ear of the soldier, and denied Jesus 3 times. God is gracious and compassionate, He brings “Beauty out of Ashes”. God is Able to transform any person’s lives, He is able to transform your own life whatever it may be, and “Bring Beauty out of Ashes” into your life.
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Email us @ RepresentersOfChrist@gmail.com

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Comments
  1. We should become as Christ. So those who think Jesus Christ is also God the Only One Elohim, should then be able to become YHWH.

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